connie's profileNapenda Kenya - forever ...PhotosBlogListsMore  |  Tools Help |
|
|
October 18 I love these shoesFor those that don't know, for those that even visit here,
I am back in Canada again and have been for just over a month now.
My departure was kind of sudden, however not surprising considering the year that I had.
I didn't leave on bad terms, far from it actually.
My heart was kicking and screaming at the airport waiting for the plane to rip me away from a place that I have grown to fondly refer to as 'home'.
It wasn't wise of me to ignore my departure date because of denial. It wasn't until my second plane landed in Toronto that it hit me
and the sadness that overwhelmed me continued to be a blanket for a few weeks after that.
And God let me grieve for a period of time.
He let me gripe about the uncertainty of my immediate future until I had vented enough to pull myself together and snap back into reality.
I was home.
My other home, like I said I have many homes.
However, my arrival was not accidental nor was it a punishment but it was God's way of bringing me to a place physically so that I get get to a new place spiritually while He dealt with me emotionally.
And I am thankful.
The last year has been challenging, but a glorious challenge. Even on the bad days, working for the Lord in Kenya makes me feel like I'm a puzzle piece that has found it's place. I am connected, I am stable, I am locked into place and God has created this amazing picture of the work He is doing, and has allowed me to be in that picture.
It's exhilarating, frustrating, enlightening and life giving all at the same time.
The good days far outweigh the bad and the smiles of people when they experience His greatness is my reward.
Even my challenges were trumped by God's grace and He saw me through every bump and snag along the way.
But then it was time to come back to the west... and I weakly obliged only to rediscover that His plans aren't spur of the moment alterations based on situation or circumstance.
They are divine steps along a path of togetherness that you can only experience if you agree to wear the shoes that God has made for you.
Who wouldn't want to walk with their creator? The one who knows all your inner secrets and exactly why you are the way you are.
Who wouldn't want to walk with the one who loves you despite all of that and cares about you so much that He would go as far as to give up His own life so your life would be saved.
It shames me to think that so often I struggle to say yes. That occasionally I will complain about these shoes he made me.
Imply that they are uncomfortable or that they aren't the right colour or that they are too big.... or worse, that they are too small.
Bottom line is that I know that I am home for a reason. And God has already been revealing that to me.
I love Kenya and I miss it dearly. The desire of my heart is to rejoin in what God is continuing to do in that country.
But I am choosing to wear these shoes. These shoes that He made specially for me. The ones that brought me to Canada and the ones that will take me back to Kenya. And I will wear them proudly and walk tall on this path because togetherness with God is my desire.
A desire that burns in me, sometimes more brightly than other times but it burns nevertheless and nothing, not even all of those fake beautiful shoes that are meant to distract me, will put this fire out.
My fire burns for Christ as His first burned for me.
I will praise Him all the days of my life. May 02 a hundred timesIt’s getting tough again
But Jesus never said that following Him would be easy
He did make promises though… lots of them, for help and protection and guidance
Some scripture was brought to my attention yesterday that was really comforting
With the reality of leaving this place being 12 days away
It’s yet another time when I’m leaving everything I’ve become comfortable with
A life I’ve grown to love and a place and people I dread to leave
But Jesus says this to His disciples in Matthew 19:29-30
It’s exactly what I needed to hear yesterday
Leaving home to come here was hard
Leaving here to go home is hard
Every time the Lord calls me to leave anything will be hard
but that’s what being a disciple is about, serving God with everything
Jesus says in Luke 14:33,
“In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.”
these things that I have are gifts from God as it is
Family, friends, church, a car, stuff…
And if the God who gave them to me says,
anyone who leaves these things will receive a hundred times as much
That’s a pretty good deal… and a great promise
But it’s not comforting just because there’s reward for following Christ
It’s because He knows that it’s hard, He can relate and He can sympathize
Jesus left heaven to come to this dark planet…
because He loves us and we need Him
I was called to Kibera, which is a pretty dark place,
but I certainly didn’t leave a place anywhere close to what Heaven is like
He left a throne to be mocked and murdered
How can I complain when He asks me to leave anything?
He is faithful and true to His word
The promises are there
I desire to be the kind of person who lives a life of visible faith
By trusting His word, no matter what the cost
Even if I have to leave it all
Because His grace is more valuable than anything this world has to offer April 26 approvedWe all want to know that we are loved
And we seek it from sources that aren’t capable of really loving us.
Even the people that love us the most have hurt us at some point.
But we seek the approval of others before we seek the approval of God.
We rely on people to show us love before we acknowledge Jesus standing there with His arms stretched out.
We set ourselves up for failure and heartbreak and dependence on everything that should not be depended on.
A passage of scripture was shared among our team last week
that spoke to my heart about my own dependence on the unreliable.
God's Message:
"Cursed is the strong one
who depends on mere humans, Who thinks he can make it on muscle alone and sets God aside as dead weight. He's like a tumbleweed on the prairie, out of touch with the good earth. He lives rootless and aimless in a land where nothing grows. "But blessed is the man who trusts me, God,
the woman who sticks with God. They're like trees replanted in Eden, putting down roots near the rivers— Never a worry through the hottest of summers, never dropping a leaf, Serene and calm through droughts, bearing fresh fruit every season. "The heart is hopelessly dark and deceitful,
a puzzle that no one can figure out. But I, God, search the heart and examine the mind. I get to the heart of the human. I get to the root of things. I treat them as they really are, not as they pretend to be." I don’t know how to reflect on these words that would make sense to you.
I just know what they mean to me, what truths God is speaking to me.
They may mean the same to you, in a language between you and God that only you understand.
It’s like Psalm 1 and Proverbs 3 and so many other places in scripture that tell us…
Do not look for approval in men; seek only the approval of God.
Trust Him alone and we will keep us
God has already approved us and shown His love through His grace.
By sending Jesus to die for us though we are still sinners and enemies of God, that’s approval enough.
There’s nothing we can do and nothing we have done to win the love of God.
It is His to give freely and freely He gives it.
Yet from time to time we push that aside and try to win the love of others here on earth…
a love that is useless and pale in comparison to true love that is only shown by the Father.
I pray that God’s love and grace would be sufficient for you today.
Please pray the same for me. April 05 wasted timeI haven't written much lately
because every time I sit down to type something I can't seem to make sense of my thoughts.
I've been thinking about a lot lately
good things, bad things, future things, selfish things...
my mind has been so occupied lately
and mostly by things that it shouldn't be
I have to confess that occasionally I forget why I'm here
I actually convince myself that how I am feeling is important to my time here
when in reality the reason I am here has nothing to do with me at all
as selfish people we let ourselves be consumed by emotions,
what we think we deserve,
what we want rather than what we need...
trying to get out on top
but we've got it all backwards
in Philippians 2:5-8, Paul says,
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death— even death on a cross! I can't even get through a day without being selfish
and the one I serve came and gave everything...
everything!
I strive for that, but fail so often
just yesterday I was with Scott on the train tracks
waiting for the train to come cutting through the slum so I could film it
and as we waited, Scott was approached by 4 different strangers asking for money
by the fourth guy (trying to sell Scott a book on advertising for small businesses),
I was frustrated... and it wasn't even me who was being approached.
But as Scott sat there and talked to this guy I watched and listened
he asked the man to go get him a Christian book - from his shop on the ground a few feet away
The man came back with a book about a sect of Hinduism
and as Scott was explaining the differences between Hinduism and Christianity
he had the opportunity to share the gospel with this guy
and the guy was genuinely listening at that point
sure, he was still trying to make a sale but his attention was on Scott and the words that were coming from his mouth
I was thinking... this is what it's all about
it's not about me
it's not about me at all
it's about God and His glory and His love being shown to everyone
not just at church
not just at allotted ministry times
but all the time
even when the 14th person comes to you saying, "I have five kids and no food."
The last part of that section of scripture in Philippians 2:9-11 says,
Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. that last line is the whole point
"to the glory of God the Father."
this is our mission, this is our goal, this is our life
and though I miss the mark constantly I am given another chance
always another chance
through forgiveness and grace
and so...
I am trying to make every moment count
every interaction, every thought, every task
What would glorify God in this situation?
this is the question I need to seek to answer every day February 28 Our Great High PriestI was reading Hebrews this morning and came to a part that was previously highlighted.
As I read over this section I read it in a new light.
I love that about the Bible, you can read the same passage 20 times and God will show you 20 different things about it.
Hebrews 4:14-16 talks about our great high priest: Jesus
It says…
As I was praying about this and reading it over again I started to feel this weight lifted from me.
This is why we should never stray from the word… it is the voice of God in this life of struggle.
I was thinking of my sin and selfishness lately.
I’ve been trying to do things my own way which is entirely impossible without completely screwing things up.
And then I was reminded that Jesus Himself was not exempt from temptation.
It says in verse 15 that
Praise God for that!
Jesus doesn’t say suck it up... He says, “I know what you are going through… let me help you.”
I thought about this and how powerful it is.
This is how we help each other here in the world.
God can use our struggles to minister to others.
Think of the formerly abused helping the abused or the recovering alcoholic helping someone overcome an addiction to alcohol.
Jesus, in the same way, tells us that whatever we are tempted with, He has already been there… but overcame it without sin.
and He wants to help us through it.
Because of this, we are able to, “approach the throne of grace with confidence.”
We don’t have to be afraid to take out sin and rebellion to God.
We are invited to, “receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
I was thinking that it’s not the temptation that is the problem…
it will always be there because Satan loves to thrown salt in our wounds.
The real problem is our faith and reliance on Christ.
I tend to forget that we are given power over temptation through Jesus.
[Philippians 4:13]
[1 Corinthians 10:13]
We are given the power but we play with temptation like it is small and harmless.
We toy with it when what we are actually toying with is our destruction and shame.
The longer we play with temptation the more quickly we dive into sin.
But it’s not over. Jesus conquered sin for us.
We just need to do our part in killing it as it surfaces in our lives, so we can go to the throne…
to the cross that labels us free…
and seek the help that Christ so willingly offers us.
I need to continue to jump into the word and not just read it
but study it and listen to what God is telling me through it.
so much is learned and so much of our relationship with Christ is restored in reading God's word.
For me... I just need to stop wasting my time and do it. February 25 grace?grace is so hard for me to understand
maybe it's my personality, maybe it's my background.... maybe it's my sinfulness
The dictionary tells us that grace is a few things
-a pleasing or attractive quality or endowment (are you kidding me?!?!!)
-favor or good will (not quite there yet)
-favor shown in granting a delay or temporary immunity (temporary? isn't that the opposite of grace?)
The bible describes grace a lot
God has described grace to me this way
-by taking my unworthiness and replacing it with forgiveness and an unexplainable love.
It's my invitation to run freely into the arms of my creator.
Imagine loving someone who killed your child
That is what we have done
we sentenced Jesus to death because otherwise we could not be in God's presence as filthy as we are
He is so perfect that He cannot be around sin that is not paid for
but He died willingly, suffered an excruciating death so that I will never know Hell
grace
Christ takes my selfishness and makes me blameless
grace
Christ takes my disobedience and invites me to His throne
grace
Christ made a way that I don't have to pay for my evil thoughts and desires
grace
I don't understand it
but I can feel it
grace is forgiveness, freedom, love and a prize I don't deserve
nothing I have ever done or will ever do deserves this
but that is grace
it's free, it's flowing, it's eternal
It's God
and it's mine
It's ours February 07 StrongholdsI had mentioned that I had not been having a great week.
This is the outcome of not guarding my heart.
Strongholds are the cause of my struggles lately
feelings of inadequacy and beating myself up a lot.
They aren’t things I like to talk about but I know I’m not the only one, so be encouraged
They can be beaten…
Strongholds are personal things that Satan uses against you
John 10:10 says the thief comes to steal, kill and destroy
Since the beginning of time he has been doing just that
From deceiving eve in the garden of Eden to making us feel worthless and small today
Satan’s only joy is when God’s children deny their father
I read once that the devil’s greatest trick is to convince us that he doesn’t exist…
What better way to win a battle…?
He preys on fear and making people feel far from God
and he normally does this when he sees you getting closer to Him
Because nothing makes the enemy more angry than our relationship and reconciliation with Jesus
It’s when things aren’t right spiritually that you don’t really have to worry about being attacked
I’ve been in both places and I’ll take the attacks over distance from my creator
any day – as hard as they may be
I got on board with this mission knowing that things would not always be easy
Far from it in fact… not a day goes by where I’m not broken, upset, angry, hopeless, frustrated, annoyed, confused or feeling out of my league.
The past few weeks have been a reminder to me of who I am and how imperfect I am
I’ve struggled with these strongholds before, fear of failure, fear of rejection…
I have dealt with them in the past as well but like I said if you don’t guard your heart…
You can set yourself up for one nasty fall
I spent nearly a week taking everything personally
Small comments that meant nothing would put me in a downward spiral toward a question of self worth and low self esteem
I would convince myself that I don’t belong here, that I’m not cut out for this and that my team is burdened by me.
My fear of being a nuisance caused me to isolate myself
and clashed with my fear of being alone in my struggle
I put off turning to the only one who can cure me of this ugly sickness
because the feelings of not being good enough are what Satan likes to push the most
If he can convince you that you aren’t good enough for God then he has done his job.
We can open the Bible and read the truth in Romans 8
that nothing can separate us from God’s love…
not even Satan’s harsh attempts
because the Devil himself is terrified of our God
It’s funny how we let him win so many battles though
Not funny haha but funny pathetic
We push ourselves away from the one who never pushes,
we turn our backs on the one who never turns away
and we convince ourselves that we aren’t loved by the one who never stops loving us.
The truth is… I’m NOT cut out for this and I AM out of my league
The difference is how you look at the problem… through your eyes or God’s
Only one of these has the solution
My eyes tell me I should quit…
throw in the towel and give up cause I’ll never make a difference here
God’s eyes tell me I am doing well…
Like a loving father teaching his frightened child to ride a bike… when you fall off he picks you up and gets your started again.
Eventually his guidance and encouragements give you confidence
and you learn how to ride this part of the journey
with your father following closely behind with hands stretched out
in case Satan comes by and tries to jam a stick in your spokes.
Or, maybe for you Satan is that kid on the side of the road laughing at you
as you uneasily peddle your wobbling bike down the sidewalk
If you see things through God’s eyes being out of your league isn’t so scary
He is the one who is doing the work… he just wants us to come work with him
Being a Christian is take your kid to work day…every day
He wants us to learn… to experience…
not only for our benefit but for the benefit of others around us
I’m not in Kenya because I’m qualified to be a missionary…
I’m in Kenya because God is working here and he wants me to see what he’s doing
and get my hands dirty helping Him work.
I said before that “not a day goes by where I’m not broken, upset, angry, hopeless, frustrated, annoyed, confused or feeling out of my league.”
This is because I’m using my eyes
But when I remember who I am in Christ, not a day goes by where I’m not forgiven, loved, overjoyed, encouraged, confident, treasured and unbelievably grateful.
It’s a choice to make… be a slave to fear or give it over to God
I try to remember that when you believe a lie from Satan it is an offence to God.
It’s a slap in the face to the one who loves us as we are
God wants us to be happy and He wants us to be with Him
And He will gladly take these struggles if we would just let Him
We are given the strength to be victorious
With Christ standing in the gap
Read Romans 8:28-39
We are more than conquerors November 23 lightSometimes I wonder if I try to make sense of too much. But this daunting and sometimes frustrating habit almost never fails to prove and teach me something. Now, it is not the series of events or even my tiny brain matter that comes up with the revelation itself, but the grace of God who wants to share these things with me. For this I am so thankful that I can’t express my gratitude in any language.
I’m reminded of my old self in these times. I love to learn because it takes you to this place you have never been before. It’s a gift of new eyes and you see colours you’ve never thought could exist. Or new ears that hear sounds never whispered into being.
My reception or ignorance to these gifts is solely determined by my own stubbornness and there have been many times that I have refused to gaze upon the truth that sits patiently in front of me. Truth is something we are all entitled to and the day my life changed was the day I rejoiced in unhidden and vulnerable truth.
Let me explain: One of my favourite passages in the Bible is Ephesians 4:17 through 5:21. It talks about living as children of light. Becoming the heirs that we are and striving to live a good life. Not for our benefit, although there are benefits in living a pure life, but for the benefit of our perfect Father in a weak attempt to thank Him for all He has done. I say weak because it is difficult to do; live as a child of light. This has always been one of my favourite places to visit in the Bible because it gives me something to strive for, even when life seems to screech to a halt.
But in Ephesians Paul says in verses 17 and 18 that we are no longer to live as the world urges us to live… “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.”
Paul writes that life without God is intellectually frustrating, useless and meaningless. We learned last year with the youth at Hope that any time you are brought to an understanding about scripture it is an encounter with the living God who is opening your eyes to truth. But, the hardening of our hearts is moral unresponsiveness and life corrupted by our deceitful desires.
I would never want to openly claim that I am morally unresponsive but in denying it I am lying and that in itself is being morally unresponsive. Uh oh paradox! So then, if all are ignorant in our sinful nature what is the difference between the believers and non-believers? Surely we all, Christ followers or not, believe in the basic principles of living a pure life.
Paul says to put off: And put on: Falsehood Truth Stealing Useful work Slander and cursing Build each other up with words Bitterness Kindness Rage Compassion Malice Forgiveness Sexual immorality Purity Greed Thanksgiving
Even as I sit here I struggle with some of these. Does this mean that I am outcast from Christ’s family? Doubtful because God is everything and more of the right column and where forgiveness and grace are, I am safe.
This is not an excuse to go on indulging in deceit. Verse 23 outlines why this passage is one of my favourites. It says “to be made new in the attitude of our minds.” Like I said, I love to learn, and who better to learn from that the creator of everything we have ever known. It is the gaining of the knowledge of the life that Christ offers that is exciting, secondary of course to the indescribable grace and forgiveness that entwines a life saved from eternal death.
All of this to say, I was reading Ephesians this morning, as I have done countless mornings before, and was reminded of many things. (see above) ;)
May the truth of Christ fill all of our lives and transform us all into new creations! October 12 Love... actually?I realize now that I really don’t know what love is all about.
I was feeding an orphan today. He was somewhere between 6 months and 1 year old. I don’t remember his name but as I was feeding him I heard another baby crying. There were at least 15 parentless babies in the room… all clawing for attention. You can see the life in their eyes, they know they are loved in this place. They are so trusting and affectionate but as I looked for the child who was obviously uncomfortable my eyes rested on a black sheep.
I don’t use the term black sheep to be an insult this baby was just different from the other orphans. He was strapped in a chair and seemed much weaker than the dozen or so other characters running in circles and chewing on anything that they could get their gummy mouths on.
I tried rattling a toy in front of him… he didn’t stop crying. I tried a different toy… nothing. I put a ball in his hand… nothing. Finally I rubbed his head thinking he just needs some personal attention and he stopped crying for a bit. I alternated between feeding one baby his fruit mash and rubbing the crying baby’s head. I finally finished feeding the one and took him to get cleaned up. When I came back the other baby was still crying. I didn’t know what was wrong so I picked him up.
As I started to lift him up his head flopped like an infant and I realized, this child isn’t just weaker than the others, there’s something wrong with him. I sat with him on the couch and learned that his name is Lance. One thing that struck me about Lance is that he looked so familiar. As I stared down into his eyes I realized that he did not stare back at me. Not only that, his posture and his actions and his smile when I tickled him struck as if I’ve met him before.
I have met Lance before… in my brother Jacob.
Lance is blind and he can’t walk or talk or do anything that the other babies his age were doing. Jacob is 17 and in the same state he was in when he was 6 months old only much bigger. I held Lance and looked at him knowing that His parents abandoned him because he is different.
Tonight we spent some time worshiping and God spoke to me with words that hit me like a ton of bricks. He always speaks in undeniable truth straight to the heart.
I’ve always justified not going to see Jacob with… “It’s too difficult to see him like that” or “He won’t even notice if I’m not there.” Yet I stayed close to Lance all morning because I just wanted him to know that he wasn’t forgotten.
How can I show love to one child when I haven’t shown that love to my own brother?
I can’t deny that Jacob knows who we are. Even though unable to talk, his joy shines through his face when my Mum announces that we have arrived to see him.
Even if he did not know me – how can I turn my back on any child and claim to be a follower of Christ?
Would Jesus turn his back on Lance or Jacob because they can’t see or speak or show love in return? Does he love any of us less than the other regardless of what we have done or where we are in life? Absolutely not!
John 3:16… one of the most well known verses in the Bible says “For God so loved the world…” It doesn’t say for God so loved some people from this country and this place. He loves everyone equally and so He sent someone to pay our way into a relationship with Him.
Why would God want a relationship with us? Because we are His… for no other reason than He loves us.
This is the love that is difficult for a screw-up like me to understand and accept. But it’s an amazing thing to receive… and just as amazing to pass on.
Jesus loved me when I didn’t know Him. He loved me when I didn’t know how to show love back. If that were not true I would not be where I am now. The message is so simple and one I thought I understood. To pour out love that is conditional is a slap in the face to everything that God has purposed… everything He has planned… everything He is.
I searched the word love in the Bible and the word came up 311 times and I’m not even sure if that’s all of them… But it’s the message of Christ, God’s letter to us. It’s all there is… it’s the plot and the moral and the summary of His life and it should be the same for mine if I am to claim to follow Him.
I have to confess… I don’t know what real love is… unconditional love… I don’t know if I will ever fully understand His infinite grace. But God shows me a new chapter of it every day. If it weren’t for His love I would be an orphan, strapped in a chair, forgotten and abandoned by the world.
I think I know what one of my personal ministries is here now. I need more time to pray about it but I don’t believe that my meeting Lance is a coincidence.
Mum, tell Jacob I’m sorry for being a bad sister… and please tell him I love him. September 13 when words fail...I cannot even tell you how incredible this past week has been for me
it's been really hard too... really hard!
from refugee camp to realizing a big fear in front of my group to dealing with a mock ministry situation with drug addicts, abusive husbands, cutters, prostitutes and alcoholics
all things I will probably run into in Nairobi
we were told the other day that in Kibera, when the rain comes the evil is unleashed
see.. when it rains hard on the tin roofs it's hard to hear anything over the rain
this is when women and children are beaten and raped
no one can hear their screams
my heart is breaking for these people ...their desperation
I've been asking God to give me His heart... it's a scary thing to ask for
His heart is broken for all of us
so it's been really hard emotionally
but I delight in my trials because they make me stronger.
[consider it pure joy... whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1:2-3]
I say that with confidence that with God's help I am unshakeable
We have learned a lot about our authority
authority over people's harmful words
authority over our own hindering thoughts
and authority over anything the devil throws in our path to trip us
I am excersizing my authority and in the past week I have put aside the lies
the lies that we believe are offensive to God
the lies I believed are lies that many believe about themselves
that I can't trust anyone...
that no one really loves me...
that I'm not good enough or worthy
I know these are lies that I have let attack me personally
but most of all kept me from allowing God to love me
bottom line is that God is trustworthy, He loves me and He calls me by name because I am good enough
I am rejoicing in this new light
it's a freedom I've never felt before
the emphasis in this training camp is not to build up these bible thumping, song singing, beleive or you perish missionaries
it's to promote inner healing and newness in Christ
to become close with God and let His light shine through us
We are going out into the world to be Jesus to people... to love the unloved
we don't all need to be the wisest or faith healers or memorize the new testament
God will work through us as we are if we let Him come in
He is a big God.. a huge God
a God that our imperfections cannot hinder
we are perfect in His eyes
blameless... holy
I still can't get over the fact that we are all offered this power without cost
I said words fail and though I've typed like a monster
I can't describe the state of my heart
it's a healing wound
it's not all fixed yet.. It's a process
but it's healing in the palm of Jesus' hand
please remember me in your prayers
I pray for home often, friends, family
if there's anything I can pray for specifically.. please email me and let me know
God has so much to offer us and he WANTS to give it to us
let's start recieving... August 17 wasted timeI'm starting to get that all too familiar feeling of being unproductive
to be honest, I thought I had more time
it hit me today
this week is half way done and I havent really done anything I need to do since I got back from holiday
there's no anxiety
it's too surreal to be stressful
it feels fake so I'm not taking it seriously
the one thing I should be doing is spending as much time with God as possible
this is crunch time
I'm about to hurl myself off a cliff and I need to be close to the only one who is in control of a safe landing.
I don't know what is going to happen in the next few weeks as I leave the only place I know as home
but He does
I was sitting on the sand watching the waves come in off the ocean around midnight last week
and I was trying so hard to remember all the things that I've heard God's grace and love related to
I was in a crappy mood..
down... and beating myself further into the ground
I was getting frustrated because one of my favourite videos "indescribable" I've seen so many times and yet
I couldnt remember what I wanted to remember
and then God told me to shut up
my brain was running in cirlces the way it does when you cant remember someones name and it's on the tip of your tongue
and then "shut up.. be quiet.. and I'll show you my love"
and he did... he wiped away the things that were bothering me that day
as quickly as the waves hit the beach and retreated back to the ocean
insecurities, unworthyness and guilt... gone
he took my sadness and turned it into contentment
because he wanted to tell me himself..
not have me just remember some verses that were in some video.
my heart knows this is a real God I serve
a God who truly cares about the small stuff... my sulking and bad days
the same God wants to send me to a country I've never been before
to care for others and see amaxing things
He cares so much for me but I so often pass up time with Him for such unimportance
I'm terrified of being where I was 2 years ago
so lost even a map couldnt help me
the only way to stay from that is to keep reading the map
keep my eyes on the destination
never forget who I am and who I am created to be
never cease to depend on God's plan
rely on His grace
and live in His love
this place and this place alone
is where I find safety, strength, peace and my home
wherever I am on this earth
as sure as the waves crashing on the shore...
July 24 same old story, different endingI shouldn't be surprised...
and this time I wasn't...really
I often feel like I don't matter to the people I am supposed to matter to most
this isn't a pity call, honest... just a fact
You know that saying...
"Actions speak louder than words"
well they spoke..
loud and clear
I felt very unimportant to someone this weekend and it's not the first time
It was more of a confirmation
It's the same old story, but a whole new ending
this is just one of many times that this person has proved to me
that I'm not very high on their relationship priority list
but this time I didn't feel all that small
I didn't feel sadness or anger or any kind of negative emotion toward them
My feeling was one of contentment, because in that moment of feeling un-loved by someone
I began to see clearly how much more God loves me...
infinitely more than this person or anyone on this earth ever could.
I've had the privilege of learning a lot about God and myself over the past couple months
and I've been able to see the areas that God is changing me
...one of them is this dependency on people
He is showing me His love in places I've ignored it, times I need it most
preparing me for a time of being alone in another country without the comforts of home
I think I can say I get it now
when rejection used to cripple me...
It's now a cloud that is broken...
it's thinner and behind it is everything reliable and trustworthy
I don't have it all-together yet
but I'm on my way with help from my creator
and I continue to say.. bring it on
cause I feel completely unshakable July 08 undeservingI was sitting on my bed this morning counting out coins
thinking of how much money I don't have in the bank
I went out last night with 3 friends for a girls night
possibly the last before I leave
one friend is grieving the very recent loss of her mother
and so spending money to help her have a good time and get her mind off things was a no brainer
only
this morning it's all I could think about how I'm not getting ahead very quickly in support raising or in saving money of my own
(mostly due to rent but that's over now anyways)
I suppose it's early in the game but I like to have things semi-planned...ya know?
(if you know me, you probably know this)
anyways...
I'm on my bed and I go to crack open my loonie/toonie box and realize....
I need the screwdriver and it's in the car
so I get my keys and walk up the stairs and as I near the top
I just started crying (like the sap that I am)
my GST cheque from the government is sitting on the top stair
just waiting for me
I feel so dumb, I know God provides, so why do I keep worrying about tomorrow?
but that's not the end of it
as if God hadn't said enough...
I compose myself, get my screwdriver
go back to my bed, open the box
and start counting out quarters and as I get to $10 it hits me
how blessed am I to be able to count out quarters?
where I'm going people don't even have a bed to sit on
no money to count
no bank with a savings account
they have so much less than our "nothing"
and I'm sitting here worrying about money while I'm counting out enough to feed a family in Kenya
what makes me any better than them?
why have I been blessed to live in a country that allows this kind of wealth
while people are living in filth and poverty so intense you have to see it to believe it?
I am no different than them
God has prepared a place for all of us in His family
I can only think that by being purposed to be Canadian it gives me the opportunity to actually go and make a difference
my Canadian passport is the golden ticket
my roll of quarters is the wealth I don't deserve
but I know this much
God has taught me a new lesson
no longer will I throw away his rolls of quarters
they aren't mine, they are His
and I will use them where He wants me to use them
right now.... they will help take me to a place
where the deserving don't have
and the undeserving learn to be thankful for what they actually have June 06 a speck in the big pictureI keep thinking of things that I'm going to be missing while I'm gone
last night I was uploading albums to my new toy [clicky] (for taking all my music with me when I leave)
and I got to my 5 years of Acquire the Fire CDs
I was listening to
 last night and reminded myself that I will not be around for ATF this yearthe first year I ever went to ATF changed my life forever
in fact, led me to where I am right now
and why I am going to Kenya
As I listened to the semi-live recordings of thousands of voices being lifted up
I could see the thousands of youth
<there are some pics below>
as much as I LOVE going to those kinds of things,
I think of how many more lives will be changed this year
how many people will be knocked off their feet by God's grace
how many kids will finally realize and know that they are loved,
young people that never hear it, that need to hear it,
I think of this and I'm not as sad that I'm missing it
I hope that our youth go again
it's an incredible weekend
but you don't need pyrotechnics, live bands, speakers and dramas to experience God's love
He's the God of all ages, all people, all nations
He shows up at concerts, small groups and dinner
He's at huge shows like ATF
and he's in slums with no running water or electricity like the one I'll be living by in a few months
sometimes I think of all the things I'll be missing while I'm gone (I try not to most of the time)
but my sadness is momentary
...which is fascinating to me because normally it would be really depressing
I realise that giving all this up to someone so worthy is not sad at all
it's exciting
it's peace giving
it's all together satisfying May 17 walkin' walkin'... prayin'going on a prayer walk today after work
4 hours of talking and listening
yeah I said 4 hours
I'm very excited to intentionally spend so much time with my creator
I really should schedule it more often.
the other awesome aspect of it is that it was supposed to rain all week
but the sun is shining beautifully right now
so I'll go down to the harwood lakefront
and hopefully I wont have to worry about getting wet
I got the idea for the walk from my pastor
(it doesn't have to be a walk but I find moving around less distracting)
we've been talking about the importance of prayer lately
I took his outline and adapted it for me (it's listed below)
I'll probably make this a regular thing
the trick is to actually schedule it and make it priority
it's so easy to stick God on the back burner when others are asking you for your time...
The Lord’s Prayer: Matthew 6:9-13
A-doration C-onfession T-hanksgiving S-upplication
ADORATION – 30 minutes (Experiencing God workbook, Bible)
CONFESSION – 30 minutes (Bible)
THANKSGIVING – 45 minutes (Prayer lists, address book)
SUPPLICATION – FOR OTHERS – 45 minutes (Address book, prayer lists)
SUPPLICATION – FOR YOURSELF – 1 hour (Offering cards, Bible, planner)
LISTENING – 30 minutes (Bible)
May 15 forty
Then I heard the Lord asking, "Whom should I send as a messenger to my people?
Who will go for us?" And I said, "Lord, I'll go! Send me." (Isaiah 6:8)
What does it take to say “I’ll go” and then actually go? Invest in something “risky” and actually follow through? How many hypocrites in the house? Raise your hand as I raise mine.
It’s so easy to say something and do another but what about our integrity? Is that important? Of course it is! Are we satisfied with leading lives of contradiction? Being untrustworthy?
So what does it take to say “I’ll go” to God And when He calls you….go? Complete abandon.
I have a plan. A plan to make no plans of my own My plans are God’s To do this I must never look inward but always look upward. Remember His work in my life, Cling to His promises, Trust and not doubt. Pray without ceasing
The God that answers prayer is the same God we ignore. We cry out for help and He hears and He answers… So why do we turn deaf ears? Because we are hypocrites…and somehow…that’s ok He still loves us?
To be completely honest…. I don’t get it! As long as I live I’ll never understand a love like that
If you were continuously bailing someone out and helping them through difficult situations and very rarely got so much as a thank you… What would you do? Would you keep it up? Probably not for long…
God’s not like that…we drag Jesus’ name through the dirt We put Him up on that cross… We are murderers, liars, adulterers and backstabbers We are less loyal than dogs are But He still loves us? I DON’T GET IT But I’ll take it And I’ll work on my debt Because He is far more than worthy
So I’ll say “I’ll go” When He calls me… “I will go”
His voice will change you. Every time He whispers I am new I will sing a new song and tell everyone about how God has changed me... all the days of my life
I waited patiently for the LORD; He lifted me out of the slimy pit, He put a new song in my mouth, (Psalm 40)
May 01 doubtdoubt is so sneaky
you don't notice it till it's too late
how do you doubt in something you were once so confident in?
doubt myself
doubt the plan
doubt my abilities to hear His voice
does doubt come from complacency?
have i become complacent?
things move so quickly only to come to a standstill
you realise how quiet things are and how many things you've neglected to be aware of
and then what are you left with?
confidence in waiting
or doubt in the stillness
remove the doubt
I refuse to be complacent
it's too dark a place to re-visit
I'll fight to the death
doubt is not welcome here
Father I hear you You’re calling me closer I’m scared but I trust in your plans for my life You made me, You know me, My life’s in your hand With your unfailing mercy “I can”
Spirit I feel you You’re making things clearer With all that surrounds me you show me the way You comfort, You teach me, You help me to stand With Your whispers to my heart “I can”
Jesus I love you You’ve shown me what truth is My life is so worthless but all that I have I give it, You take it, and love who I am With my wonderful Saviour “I can”
How can I doubt in someone so faithful?
A God so consistent in goodness and love
persistent in grace and so full of beauty
doubt in Him is foolish
this fool will listen to the whispers and put doubt behind her
today April 24 lookin'People say that they can’t hear God. I’m starting to think that deafness is an excuse for blindness. Or maybe just blatant ignorance…something I’m not exempt from.
There is the saying, “actions speak louder than words.” This applies to God, I think…
What have you seen God do? I’ve seen Him transform lives, comfort the broken, provide for the needy, bless the faithful, answer prayer, love the “unlovable” and forgive the “unforgivable”.
He rescues me from darkness, leads me out of temptation, strengthens me in my weakness, forgives me when I am guilty of the “unforgivable”, protects me from myself and continues to transform me.
If you think you haven’t seen what God is doing, look outside. We are completely surrounded by what God can do. The warmth of the sun, the coolness of the breeze… His air fills our lungs and sustains our existence He made this ball of water and land for us, yet I still hear…
“How can you believe in a God you can’t see?”
I can see Him! I see Him in the waves… in the sun, the stars, the grass, the trees, the clouds…His children
That said…I’m not innocent. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering what He looks like. I get selfish and absorbed in things that don’t really matter. I forget what He has done for me. I’ve turned my back and closed my eyes. But God is too persistent in love to ignore.
He’s closer than we realize… more beautiful than we realize. He’s ablaze in beauty.
April 18 prisontough day
very very trying
i feel it may turn into a tough week
I'm tired and drained..emotionally
feeling very stuck right now
almost like I've passed that point of needing to move
I'm not talking long term here
although i am very excited to see where God wants me in the next while (that isn't the issue)
I'm talking immediately
i feel like a prisoner
I'm not sure how it got to this point
i suppose most of what I'm typing is the resounding sting from things that were brought up to me-or should i say AT me- today
i wont go into detail because i know that feelings are not always wise to act on
but i can say that the overall feeling of being stuck is not new
not new at all
just re-opened
I'm not sure what to pray for at the moment
maybe more patience and understanding for those who hurt with words
whether they mean it or not, grace is required
i wish it was easier
to see people as Jesus does
I don't even think i have the same eye colour!
grace...... grace and love is what i need
I'm not a fake person so i wont put on a fake smile
a real smile is needed here
i guess that's my choice then...
i hate knowing what i have to do
"God....stop destroying all my excuses!!!" April 10 mind battlesThe mind is a powerful thing Weakness of the mind can cripple us Giving it too much credit can ruin us
Internal battles can consume a person and turn them into something they don’t want to be.
I’ve been battling my mind all week When I let my guard down it takes over with negativity and disdain Negative emotions are unintentionally magnified and exaggerated A self destructing series of events till I decide I’ve had enough and choose to escape it It’s hard really, to fight, when the only way out is the door with the stiff hinges It’s not a loss of control, it’s a “sit back and go with it” feeling Till I notice that the “going with it” has resulted in thinking and saying things that I’m not proud of
The mind is only one third of a persons being The other parts are soul and heart Not one being less powerful than the others But I think everyone struggles with at least one of them
Your heart (not the organ) Your passions and desires for your life The driving force behind why we do what we do The heart determines what you feel strongly about
Your soul The non physical you The part you can’t really touch Your being The part of you that cannot be damaged by anyone but yourself
Your mind Everything you watch, listen to, think about, dwell on It is easily manipulated, easily damaged, and easy to lose But it is also easy to train, and keep healthy
What you put into your head is directly related to what comes out of it The mind is influenced by situations, relationships and life around you The mind can be negatively affected by media, stress and other people but we are the ones who have final say over our minds. We can learn love, patience, kindness…we can train our thoughts to be positive - if we try This is why it’s so important to keep the mind healthy, feed it good food An unhealthy mind leads us to unhealthy choices and can often affect the amount of our minds we think we have control over.
I used to think the first commandment that God gave us was easy. Love God But there’s more We are supposed to love God with all our hearts (desires) soul (being) and mind (what we set our thoughts on)
That’s not easy at all It’s an absolute surrender A constant renewal of a choice to hand it all over A very hard thing to do indeed But since when are the most important decisions in life easy?
Heart and soul seem to be less of a struggle for me to hand over but my mind, it’s just beyond my grasp at the moment it’s mocking my lack of motivation to take control until I jump for it, the negativity prevails it hurts those around me it hurts me I mentioned before that it’s hard when your only escape is through the door with stiff hinges I know now that pushing the door will just make me more tired, frustrated, angry I need to oil the hinges, take control, remind my mind who is boss Surrendering your mind to God isn’t a cop-out, it’s not a sign of weakness It’s a sign of strength, a personal sacrifice to the only one who deserves it
I don’t want to give my mind up to media, stress, others, negativity, regret, sin I want to give it to my maker He is the only one who will take care of it He is worthy And it’s all He asks of me
So here I go…. again |
|
|
