...is what I want this place be.

Not just a blog, not just a photo album, not just a collection of stuff taking up room

but media and words from my brain/heart to yours, amalgamated to make an experience.

 

What I mean is...

I've re-vamped everything so that the blog is now viewable from the front page giving you access to other visuals while reading,

not to distract, but to enhance and hopefully this effort will be worth while.

 

considering that much of what I write is inspired by what my eyes and ears take in, (it's how I'm wired)

I'm going to try to share with you where I'm coming from if you are happening to read what I have written.

 

I will try to showcase a photo of relevance as well as,

periodically, I will utilize my media player to post a song that has inspired me to write whatever.

I've decided that I'm driving to Atlanta, after being unable to find a flight under $800.

This decision involved someone switching cars with me for two weeks and letting me take theirs on a long road trip.

This person, I shall call Seborah, generously agreed with the plan but as it turns out, she was receiving the good end of the bargain.

 

I was a little apprehensive about the switch, partly because my car is proving to show it's age with each day

and I'm afraid it will act up more for someone other than myself.

But my biggest fear; what lay beyond the shiny doors of the silver sunfire.

 

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I cleaned my car out for Seborah,

leaving her a tiny shell of a tercel in which to store her keyboard and other band equipment; the process taking 10-15 minutes.

When I was finished I called her out to do the same.

 

I knew that it was untidy in there, having taken the car out on occasion when the keys were closer than mine,

but I was completely unaware of the entirety of what I had gotten myself into.

 

The backseat looked like someone had tipped over a public waste bin and it just happened to fall through the back window.

And the trunk looked like the back alley of a goodwill.

At one point I held up a dirty long sleeved kids shirt and after a series of questions found out that it was a "rag" for the engine.

A shirt is not a rag, a rag is a piece of an old shirt, not an entire shirt... and there was more than one shirt!!

 

The backseat... the one that was FULL of garbage contained not 1, not 5, not even 10.. but 18 bottles of water, most of them unfinished.

And the balloons.. oh the balloons! You know, the long stringy kind that are used to make balloon animals?

The contents of the car that was to be thrown out filled an entire black garbage bag.

 

The rest was just an on-going list of ridiculous articles to be found in a car.

3 pairs of gloves in the glove box (at least they were where they were supposed to be, even if she only has one pair of hands)

About 20 pens and 4 pencils

2 carpets

a picnic blanket

a pair of skates

2 garbage bags of linens and clothing for the trailer, which have been in there since September and the trailer doesn't open till May.

a full container of toothpicks

2 golf balls and 1 tee (no clubs)

a crumpled up rain suit

a huge first aid kit (which is actually a good idea I suppose)

an air freshener from like 2003

etc. etc.

 

so an hour later we finally finish cleaning out the car

and off I go to the coin wash to get this poor thing clean

 

I vacuumed, wiped, scrubbed, sprayed, polished and vacuumed some more.

It was finally starting to look good.

I used so many Lysol wipes on the interior that a germ wont be able to come within 3 feet of the car in the next 2 years without being nuked.

I Rainex-ed the windows and sprayed the seats with some pretty smelling odor lifter.

After 2 more hours of cleaning the travelling junk yard was transformed into a slick, sweet smelling manual

with 4 clunky snow tires and a crack in the windshield that leaks...

 

so, I'm not a miracle worker but it's a good start.

 

Today it got an oil change and we hope that this silver sunfire will not have to endure too much therapy after such abuse.

-We hope the same for me-

It's all ready for the long trip ahead, which will commence before the sun rises on Thursday morning.

 

but the real test is...

will Seborah be able to keep it tidy?

or will I have to intervene again?

A corner of my grandparents' basement (3x5 feet-ish) contains about 90% of my belongings.

Belongings that have accumulated over the span of my life.

-I have been storing them there since I moved to Kenya in 06 and upon my return to Canada, I wasn't sure how long I would be staying so I just left them there.

 

I don't have much, (in North American measurment)

I like it that way though.. mostly because it means that moving day takes less than an hour.

 

In looking around my room, with the few things I have kept out for making living comfortable,

there are a few things that I really like and would definitely notice a difference if I had to part with them.

 

Here is my list:

1. My double bed - obviously - because even when the dog and pillows take up more than half, it beats the floor,

oh and if memory serves me right, it was the first bed my father ever bought when he moved out on his own so.... family heirloom

2. My laptop - not just because it was an incredible gift but because it is incredibly useful for leisure and for earning me money

3. My Christmas lights - I like the evenly distributed glow, perfect reading light

4. My fan - because I sleep better with white noise - now that I think of it... I think it's my mother's

5. My speakers - my Zen (mp3 player) is their better half

6. My Zen Vision:M - work, play and car... I'm rarely without it, and it stores quite a large music collection

7. My 'The Office' DVD collection - they never get old

8. My blow dryer - It's fun to play with hair

9. My cell phone - verbal contact with the outside, world also because I have some cool games on there I play when I can't sleep

10. My dresser - because it's the first piece of furniture I ever bought myself and helps me hide the occasional mess

 

There are also a few things in my room that I don't need/could easily live without

 

Here is my list:

1. Wall clock - I thought it was pretty but when I put batteries in I realized that it ticks and that drives me nuts!

The fan helps drown that out at night and it's still pretty despite the noise

2. Red curtains - these actually belong to my sister,

she left them when she moved out but they give me a headache in the morning and block about as much light as a kleenex

3. Lima bean shaped desk - this is a love/hate item. I love having a desk but this particular one is awkward and if used for too long it's painful to sit at

 

That's all

and if you just read all that.. you are more bored than I am

I was watching The Hour tonight

 

My thoughts every time I watch that show..

... are that we live in such a blindingly selfish, power pursuing, God-status acquiring age.

-Yes.. intense

 

I realize that history repeats itself and that the quest for power and money is not a new one by any means.

Maybe it's because The Hour is a political show,

a political show run by liberal thinkers...

and maybe it's because politics are less glamorous than Britney's new meds in my mind...

But getting my political doses on a freely spoken talk show often seems more than I can stand.

 

Let me cut to the chase.

Conservatives, when they speak out and stand up they are smeared and spit on.

Liberals when they stand up and speak out they are lifted high and applauded.

 

This is expected. It's not a surprise, only a disappointing re-occurrence that will, I assume, always rub me the wrong way.

 

But tonight, was enough to send me upstairs... away from the self exulting vomit oozing through screens into millions of homes.

 

The guest was Jenny McCarthy, a well known actress/model/writer,

most recently known for her relationship with Jim Carrey and formerly autistic son,

who is the subject of her most recent of three publications.

 

I was paying close attention to how she found out her child was autistic, as it is a fear of mine, (and of most I'm sure)

that someday I will have a child that is not physically or mentally healthy.

She was talking about how unhelpful doctors were and how un-informing they were on his condition and treatments.

 

Then she went on to say that she had prayed to God for the first time in 5 years for her son to be healed

and followed it up with a phrase she freely repeated triumphantly.

"I healed my son!" "There are women out there healing their children." "...and I healed my son."

 

I am so sad at this statement... to go as far as giving God credit for listening to you cry out for your child to be healed

and then steal the credit for the healing itself.

 

So, if I understand her right... God listens to prayer without answering.

I love that she had the faith to pray for him, as many turn to God in their hour of need - and He wants that...

but then to publicly declare, as far as writing a book about it that you single-handedly healed your son from autism.

I don't understand her frame of mind.. does she actually believe this? I mean really believe that she has the power within her to heal someone

and if so.. why not more? why stop at her son? I mean, c'mon if you can heal your own kid.. get on it!

 

I think it's wonderful that her son is better, I truly do.

What an amazing gift for him to go from being a toddler with seizures to growing up free from the grip of mental illness.

But I think it would be more wonderful if credit was given where due.

If you pray for God to heal your kid and your kid is in turn healed... God did that, not you.

The fact that you asked Him for help in the first place is proof that you know you are unable to do something like that without Him.

 

This can be translated in so many ways.

People... if you ask God's help and you get that help... give Him credit

don't be selfish and absorbed to take a gift and pretend you gave it to yourself.

 

I'm sure no one would watch my version of The Hour, cause Liberal thinkers generally don't like to hear thoughts like mine

but you know what? I don't care right now, cause this is my stage...

and here, God gets His credit.

I was away and now I am back.

I went to spend time with God, by myself, for myself.

 

I didn't come back with great revelations or stories of amazing opportunities unfolding,

but my week was wonderfully unproductive in activity.

 

I spent most of my time reading, praying, listening to music... resting.

And there were times when I definitely wondered if I had done the right thing by going away,

but I was in good company and the follow up to my week is simply beautifully timed and sweet sounding news.

 

---

 

Monday morning I had emailed my contact at AIM (Adventures In Missions) inquiring about any news regarding my return to Kenya.

A few hours later I received a phone call from Georgia with news that I have been waiting 3 ridiculously long months for.

 

There will be no teams sent to Nairobi this summer, as the teams were already established and airfare paid for before the peace agreement took place in Kenya.

The summer will see 2 or 3 AIM staff venturing over to Kibera on a survey trip to personally understand the current situation as things are hopeful to clear up.

Which puts teams returning there in the September boat.

This means that I too, will be returning in September as a team leader and to begin my long awaited missionary endeavor.

 

AIM's mission with Kenya has been undergoing many changes in the last 6 months which will mean that

the previous team structure and programs will be very new to me.

(I was originally going to be a First Year Missionary Leader but now this team structure will be replaced with Real Life teams primarily)

These changes will require me attending another training camp in Georgia the first week of April.

 

September is only 6 months away, I say 'only' because I have lived long enough to know that months are trivial in the measurement of time.

So with this new goal welcomely in sight, I now have a new frame of commitment and an optimistic view of what God is setting up for me to be part of in Kenya.

I never thought I could call the last 3 months a blessing but I now feel like the borrowed time is an opportunity to switch gears

and a time for me to stop hiding from change and start running toward it.

 

I like learning.

I like learning even better when it’s not in a classroom setting.

Here are some things I’ve learned today.

 

-King size beds are WAY cooler than twin.

-Soft Moc boots are not waterproof in any way.

-Mud is almost as slippery as ice, but icy mud is deadly… and messy.

-Jesus’ first miracle was not only scandalous but much more offensive to religion than I’ve ever been taught… wish I knew this sooner.

-Red circles painted onto trees means that you could get shot by a hunter.

(this is an assumption and not necessarily a fact)

-You must make at least $55,000 a year in order to look into owning part of a resort.

Call me in never years.

-Clerks in small towns are suffocatingly helpful.

-Frogger is addictive but not as addictive as space invaders. (It’s been so long!)

-Fire alarms are not alarming to people.

-Kids like to stare... a lot!

 

It's been a good day... very educational.

 

Inspiration is a funny little thing.

It can come from nearly anywhere;

a song, a photo, written or spoken words, even silence.

The rain, the wind, the sun, a thought... it's such a great feeling isn't it?

[not to be confused with wanting a hamburger after watching a red and yellow commercial... that would be advertising/subliminal messaging]

 

I'm talking about the inspiration that is unadvertised... the unprovoked, always welcome break from mundane thought patterns.

 

I try to hang on to those moments because lately they are my water wings.

Although, they aren't as painful as water wings...

so maybe water wings aren't a good example... I've never been that great with metaphors.

 

I don't know when it happened but I've realized that I've been habitually answering the "how are you's" with fine,

even though it is often not the case these days.

I mean, I am fine... but I'm not fine in the way that I've been using it.

Even for those that were actually interested in the answer to their inquiry,

I think they might re-consider 30 minutes into the spewing of my true feelings.

Which is probably why I've been sparing everyone.

 

I'm not depressed - thank the Lord! - but I'm plagued with uncertainty and it's numbing me.

 

So here is the answer to the question "How are you?"

 

I'm tired... I haven't been able to fall asleep before 4am in the past 4 weeks.

I'm confused... I want to be in Kenya but it is not time and the same level I'm afraid to step out.

I'm frustrated...with all the questions about when I am leaving because the answer unrelentingly continues to be 'I don't know.'

I'm divided... as someone who takes commitment very seriously I am unable to offer a definite level of commitment.

I'm pressured... by the responsibility of raising financial support.

I'm weak... and clearly not as together as some people think.

 

In point, this being in limbo, this waiting, this unclear outline of a future... it sucks!

It is the epitome of a crappy public school dance where you thought getting out of class would be cool.

But now you are standing in a sweltering gymnasium that smells of 30 adolescents who have not discovered the wonderful world of deodorant.

And you sit there, trying to block out the macarena and achy breaky heart as your classmates perform a poorly executed line dance.

(All that to use the word epitome cause I like to say it how it's spelled)

 

It feels like I'm standing still while the world is running in circles around me.

I often think of all I could be doing if I just kicked open the front door and slammed it behind me,

jumped in the car and drove till it collapsed.

Settled where it took me and started a new life, a professional life, a successful North American life.

Maybe a career, maybe my own business, take some more film classes, dip my hand into journalism or actually get paid for graphic design... 

rip open the world of opportunity and dive right into the middle of it...

 

Of course I feel like crap, to be pulled from a place I love and I felt useful for nine amazing months

to come home and feel exactly the opposite for nine more... this warrants a big fake "fine."

 

I have now come to the realization that watching the world spin is exactly what I am NOT supposed to be doing.

But I AM supposed to be standing still.

 

I realise I've got it half right which is better than completely wrong, though still a far cry from my striving for perfection.

 

The un-eventfulness of waiting is exactly what is needed to enter into a place of focus and self reflection.

This is something that I was avoiding, hoping I could maybe skip this step and go on to the next chapter.

Except this time, for me, is like the ever important debrief of the previous chapter of my life.

The wrench that removes the training wheels for the next leg of the trip.

There I go with those metaphors again... practise makes perfect right?

 

So the inspiration comes with the realization that this time is for learning;

learning about myself learning more about God, learning about the path unfolding before me and possibly best of all...

learning how patient the Lord has been with me in the time it took for me to internalize this simple concept of waiting.

 

So my psalm, in my unrecorded book of 'duh: simple ideas brought to life' would be

'The Lord is my unwearied usher, who leads me with inspiration to our table, where we talk and laugh and let the world spin...'

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And with that, I'm going away for a week

to do just that... to sit at our table, a table for two

 

and to the world, I can now say, "spin on"

I'll catch up with you later.